tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2414705521162863312012-01-27T09:36:36.900-06:00Love, Sex, and FamilyLove, Sex, and Family is a resource site devoted to progressive human sexuality information, featuring articles, news, book- and film reviews, carefully selected products, further resources and more as it pertains to our sexual lives in the broadest sense.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.comBlogger169125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-64073232011902955742012-01-24T08:38:00.005-06:002012-01-27T09:28:56.571-06:00See Me! Hear Me! This Is Who I Am: The Century Project<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bDRNWb1Ww74/Tx684lnTBaI/AAAAAAAABes/adWfZPvoHEc/s1600/Rachel%252C+17_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bDRNWb1Ww74/Tx684lnTBaI/AAAAAAAABes/adWfZPvoHEc/s200/Rachel%252C+17_1.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rachel (17), a cutter on the path to healing</td></tr></tbody></table>Girlhood in America is wrought with insecurities and complexes, wounds and shame, haunting many through womanhood. It can also be inspired by hopes and dreams, rebellion and empowerment. For two decades, photographer <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/html/artist/main.html">Frank Cordelle</a> has given voice to the many silenced stories of numerous women’s all-too-real experiences with the disgrace and injustice done to them as girls and women, especially as they pertain to the women’s body image. <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/main.html">The Century Project</a>, a chronological series of nude photographic portraits of more than a hundred diverse girls and women ranging in age from the moment of birth through one hundred years, and accompanied by the women’s personal statements, is Cordelle’s magnum opus.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xHVnfbkyKcQ/Tx68_QkCjPI/AAAAAAAABe0/g1nbFcWq4Cc/s1600/cover_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xHVnfbkyKcQ/Tx68_QkCjPI/AAAAAAAABe0/g1nbFcWq4Cc/s200/cover_1.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>The <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/html/exhibits/exhibitsmain.html">exhibit</a> has toured college campuses and galleries across the nations for nearly two decades. The book of the project, <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/html/book/book.html"><i>Bodies and Souls: The Century Project</i></a> was published in 2006. Through the women’s own words and naked portraits we learn their powerful accounts of their conflicted feelings about their bodies and their vows to own and celebrate them. <br /><br />The <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/html/project/project.html">project</a> is heart-wrenching and uplifting at the same time, and a very important contribution to our body-negative culture with its unrealistic beauty ideals and warped ideas about sex. Opposed to those, the participating women shed their clothes in defiance, not because they are exhibitionists, but because they refuse to be censured and dismissed, demanding to be seen for who they are. Real women, with real bodies and real issues, because we all have them, to a varying degree, whether it’s beating ourselves up for not looking just right, or the shame we feel for what has been inflicted upon us, by others or ourselves. <br /><a name='more'></a><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OXQvfiSJBeo/Tx69Ff9dxiI/AAAAAAAABe8/od8YvTnzjFo/s1600/Christina%252C+44_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OXQvfiSJBeo/Tx69Ff9dxiI/AAAAAAAABe8/od8YvTnzjFo/s200/Christina%252C+44_1.jpg" width="187" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christina (44)</td></tr></tbody></table>The agony is most deeply felt in the stories of the younger women, many of whom describe experiences with anorexia, bulimia, and self-mutilation. But even among the more mature women there are wounds and issues, also including eating disorders and shame about their bodies. Christina (44), for instance, a successful businesswoman, pictured in front of a mirror looking deeply into her own eyes, recounts her twenty-year history of bulimia, “a constant hour by hour, day by day struggle.”<br /><blockquote>Power and success in the boardroom countered by lonely all-night eating binges. Purging, kneeling in tears, trying to cleanse myself again and again. Desperate to be thin. Looking at myself in the mirror afterward, promising never to do it again. Hating myself even more because I knew I would. I couldn’t stop.</blockquote>Christina then describes what standing during the photo shoot in front of another mirror did to her: “naked and alone, and for the first time in years, I had to see myself. It was terrifying!”<br /><blockquote>At first I was repulsed, I wanted to turn and run. All I saw was fat, undesirability, flaws, and failure.<br /><br />But the more I forced myself to look, the more I began to see her. She was reaching out to me and I was willing to see her.</blockquote>For Christina, posing for the project and forcing her to really see herself provided an opportunity to accept who she is, realizing that <i>she</i> is the one who has to give herself “permission to be content with who you are.”<br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MJ6Q9SvkUBA/Tx69OV67V4I/AAAAAAAABfE/mZJrMqMJEhs/s1600/Katie%252C+16_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MJ6Q9SvkUBA/Tx69OV67V4I/AAAAAAAABfE/mZJrMqMJEhs/s200/Katie%252C+16_1.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Katie (16)</td></tr></tbody></table>In fact, many of the featured girls and women describe finding the photo session to be an opportunity to come to terms with their bodies. For Katie (16), a self-proclaimed “recovering anorexic” at the time of the photo shoot, though in fact in denial/relapse, posing for the project became one of “the greatest experiences in my life, though I didn’t realize it at the time,” helping her arrive at a place of self-acceptance.<br /><br />Brooke (19) describes how for years she used to hide all her scars from self-inflicted cutting, the shame and denial sucking the pride and life out of her. Posing in the corner of a bathroom, she displays the scars on her thigh and vows to take pride in her body, including her scars. “Whatever your story, it’s yours alone; whatever your struggles, they’re only yours to fight and win; and no one ever has the right to make you apologize for who you are, what you are, or why you are.” Explaining why she wanted to pose, she concludes, “This is my body and these are my scars and that is why I’m here.”<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d9hbKwVK0m4/Tx69VJjlsxI/AAAAAAAABfM/TPUxP-3mFPQ/s1600/Kana%252C+52_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d9hbKwVK0m4/Tx69VJjlsxI/AAAAAAAABfM/TPUxP-3mFPQ/s200/Kana%252C+52_1.jpg" width="191" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kana (52)</td></tr></tbody></table>This expressed desire of these women to want to be seen for who they are is a central thread. Take Kana (52), who poses outdoors, sunrays on her body, one arm lifted up, the other hand on her hip, a dignified look on her face as she displays the scar from a mastectomy, leaving one breast intact, the other gone – “sliced off, cut up, and discarded.” “Look at me. Listen to my life,” she implores us. “I am. Funny old, freaky old, scarred old me … A Woman. One of the hundred.” In fact, the <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/main.html">Century Project</a> features several other women marked by breast cancer, which accounts for nearly one out of every three cancers diagnosed in American women. And there are women featured with scoliosis (spinal curvature) and muscular dystrophy, large facial marks and scars from birth defects, all of them demanding to be seen for who they really are and not be reduced to their imperfections.<br /><br />Many of the women report seeing themselves as somehow imperfect because of what they were told by their mothers and partners. Mondy (50) for instance, a beautiful woman pictured outdoors proudly displaying her fake breasts, shares a history of “cosmetic surgery as a beacon of hope” in her efforts to look “lovable.” As a child “there was hardly a day that my mother didn’t tell me how ugly I was,” she explains.<br /><blockquote>She ridiculed my face, my hair, and my body, especially my flat chest and my pouchy tummy. When I cried, she took me to the mirror so I could see just how horrible I looked. She never displayed a photograph of me, nor did she ever touch me except to slap my face. My mother made it clear to me that because I was so ugly, I was unlovable and unloved.”</blockquote><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-34fnY2wtqSM/Tx69cKjpZ1I/AAAAAAAABfU/ivjsAUAvQPc/s1600/Lumina%252C+54_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-34fnY2wtqSM/Tx69cKjpZ1I/AAAAAAAABfU/ivjsAUAvQPc/s200/Lumina%252C+54_1.jpg" width="191" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lumina (54)</td></tr></tbody></table>Lumina (54), pictured quietly crying in front of a deep-blue backdrop, had breast implants over twenty-five years ago after accepting “my then husband’s verdict that my breasts were no longer as firm and attractive as they had been when we were married.”<br /><blockquote>For all those years I had never come to terms with this, so, for me to stand naked facing the camera—no props, no poses, just me—was painful at first. A deep sadness, along with some anger, wells up in me over what had been done, what I had allowed to be done to myself over the years ... and I wasn’t able to hold back the tears.<br /><br />I found, though, that by the end of the session I was able to acknowledge to myself the hurts and disappointments I’ve suffered in the past, but no longer feel defeated or separated by them.</blockquote>For Lumina, posing for the project became “a healing and freeing experience,” “this from a woman who has for years tried to avoid being photographed at all costs.” She concludes on a note of empowerment, joy, and gratitude.<br /><br />The stories of sexual abuse were the hardest for me to read. There are several, in particular incest, statistically the most common form of abuse. Brenna (22) was nine years old when her cousin began molesting her and then her older brother’s friend, and Winnie (39) was eight when her uncle began molesting her while her “mother lay asleep (passed out) in her bed while he carried me past her open door.” A history of prostitution, heroin use, and abusive partners followed, leaving her scarred in many ways as she sought the comfort and love she didn’t receive as a child. Yet she ends on a positive note: “Today I accept my body as it is. My scars are my medals. I’ve earned them.”<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l5FNc2ryIi0/Tx69ieAnefI/AAAAAAAABfc/TBPAVZzQVOY/s1600/Calista%252C+30_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="195" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l5FNc2ryIi0/Tx69ieAnefI/AAAAAAAABfc/TBPAVZzQVOY/s200/Calista%252C+30_1.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Calista (30)</td></tr></tbody></table>Calista (30) was only 6 months old when her half brother took her virginity: “That is when he claims he saw the spark in our eyes meet and he knew what had to be.” A terrible history of abuse continued in which she was sold by her half brother to “whoever would pay for a small girl with long black hair and big brown eyes and a vagina.” She was tortured in many ways; some she doesn’t remember. However, she does remember being “burned, gagged, fucked, sucked, rubbed, forced to watch adults mate, forced to rut with animals, and beaten.” Nevertheless, like Brenna and Winnie she refuses to let an abusive past define her and concludes on a note of pride in herself and love for her children. As Chris (52), who was severely abused by her father, explains: <br /><blockquote>We tell our stories not to shock anyone, but to let others know that despite the fear, the self-loathing, and the hate, we have chosen to finish our path; that the survival of a soul that has been battered beyond recognition is a triumph that needs to be celebrated.<br /><br />Our pictures go beyond the scars and the stories; they shout about more than survival; they roar of strength and of hope that the next sunrise won’t be as difficult as the last.</blockquote><br />What the <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/main.html">Century Project</a> so beautifully captures is the power of the naked image and word, the candid personal story and its capacity to transform. If these women can overcome the injustice done to them, after all that they have endured of sexual abuse and body shaming, so can you and I and all of us. <br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wS4sp_7CJd4/Tx69nCHQSwI/AAAAAAAABfk/xqYoopJAe1M/s1600/Ariel%252C+18_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wS4sp_7CJd4/Tx69nCHQSwI/AAAAAAAABfk/xqYoopJAe1M/s200/Ariel%252C+18_1.jpg" width="178" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ariel (18)</td></tr></tbody></table>The Century Project reminds us too that it doesn’t need to be so difficult or traumatic to grow up to be a woman. “I’m so lucky to be a woman/girl!” exclaims Ariel (18), a big grin on her face. <br /><br />Explains Mayé (36):<br /><blockquote>I see the human body<br />As a marvelous creation of nature […]<br />I am not ashamed of my body.<br />Through it, I gave life;<br />Through it, I create.</blockquote><br />States Antrece (45) simply: “I am a goddess!” <br /><br />A grounded and lighthearted energy radiate from the portraits of the older women, brining hope of perspective and peace as we age. “What’s wrong with a little sex?!” asks Eve (79) with a smile on her face, naked in the woods.<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s2r8NpXTZvY/Tx69tYqR6AI/AAAAAAAABfs/xqb-HyxBe9o/s1600/Nora%252C+11_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s2r8NpXTZvY/Tx69tYqR6AI/AAAAAAAABfs/xqb-HyxBe9o/s200/Nora%252C+11_1.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nora (11)</td></tr></tbody></table>And not all of the younger girls express discomfort with their bodies; some come across as delightfully free and comfortable in them. Nora (11), pictured smiling in the yard by a swing, explains that she wanted to participate in the <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/main.html">Century Project</a> so that people could see that she is not abused; that being pictured naked is not tantamount to abuse. When Nora was eight years old, her mother was charged with manufacturing child pornography for taking pictures of Nora in the bathtub and was not allowed to photograph her naked after that. Nora recounts how she was shamed, not by her mother, but by the prosecutor and other kids; how scared she was during the lawsuit. “Look at my picture,” she entreats us; “do I look abused to you?”<br /><blockquote>Or do I look like a happy child with wonderful parents whose only ‘abuse’ has come from those who have tried to take away our right to live the way we do.<br /><br />For me, my naked bodie is normal; for me, my naked bodie is wild and free; for me, my naked bodie is being proud for who and what I am.”</blockquote><br />Explains Jessie (14), pictured in her room blowing bubble gum wearing a polka-dotted cap sideways:<br /><blockquote>The reason I agreed to have my picture taken was, I am tired of the stereotype that all nude pictures are dirty.</blockquote><br />These are the kinds of positive and empowering message we need to instill in today’s younger generation of women and reinforce in ourselves. Give yourself the gift of <a href="http://www.thecenturyproject.com/newsite/html/book/buy.html"><i>Bodies and Souls: The Century Project</i></a>. <br /><br />Frank Cordelle: <i>Bodies and Souls: The Century Project</i> (Heureka Productions), <br />ISBN: 978-0-9730270-3-7 (0-9730270-3-7).<br /><br />(Photos copyright 2006 by Frank Cordelle. Used by permission.)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-6407323201190295574?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-1655188913281967912012-01-16T08:42:00.001-06:002012-01-16T08:44:48.357-06:00If You Want Your Sex Talk to Stay in the FamilyRecently all the <a data-mce-href="http://magazine.goodvibes.com/category/good-vibrations-sexy-mama/" href="http://magazine.goodvibes.com/category/good-vibrations-sexy-mama/">Good Vibrations Sexy Mama</a> bloggers received the following email from the editor:<br /><blockquote>I was chatting with a friend the other day about talking with kids about sex and she mentioned something interesting. Part of her resistance to doing so, despite her awareness of the value of it, is her concern that she'll have to deal with the fallout if her kid passes information along to other kids, who then tell their parents. Another is that kids are learning about what's ok to talk about in public and she didn't want to deal with situations of her child saying something about sex at the supermarket. </blockquote><blockquote>What are some ways to deal with other children's parents? What happens when your child says something in public that would be fine at home but feels embarrassing when it's out among strangers? How do you deal with the social repercussions of other people's negative reactions? How do you teach your child that you have different expectations and awareness about sex than lots of their friend's parents?</blockquote>The above parent recognizes the importance of talking to her kids about sex, but she prefers the sex talk to stay in the family. I personally feel a responsibility to publicly stand by everything I teach my daughter about sex, but my position does not match this parent's comfort level. To her, my position might seem idealist and impractical. While I would at least try to encourage her to see how she in fact could have a positive effect also on her child's friends if her child were to pass on what she teaches her child, I would give her this as another option: Tell the truth.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AlWgMvaVGm0/TxQ12DPzF9I/AAAAAAAABcM/nnPdzmJgVJE/s1600/art.sex.talk.o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AlWgMvaVGm0/TxQ12DPzF9I/AAAAAAAABcM/nnPdzmJgVJE/s1600/art.sex.talk.o.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sex talk</td></tr></tbody></table><a name='more'></a>Tell your child you're not comfortable with her or him passing on what you talk about at home when you talk about sex (and here you could add other things you also don't feel comfortable leaving the family circle). Be as honest and as detailed as you can be. Maybe you wish everyone were as progressive about sex and talking about sex as you are, but even so, you're reluctant to announce it in public.<br /><br />Prepare to answer why you're reluctant to do this. Is it because you still feel some discomfort in talking about sex? Or is it because you want to avoid potential confrontations and arguments with the parents of your child's friends? Or is it because of a sense of politeness and respect? That you recognize that other parents may hold very different values and opinions about sex, and about when to talk about sex, and about what to say. And that you want to respect that.<br /><br />Thinking through as thoroughly as you can for yourself why it is that you don't want your child to pass on what you tell her or him about sex to other children, or talk about it in the public, will help you explain to your child why you feel the way you do. And it can help you explain to your child why it is that you feel uncomfortable when your child suddenly says something in the supermarket that would be fine at home but feels embarrassing when it's out among strangers. Children have not yet developed a strong sense of impulse control, so even if you've asked your child to not talk about sex in public, he or she may very well still do so. Gently reminding the child that this is something you're not comfortable talking about in public can end the conversation there without shaming the child, which you don't want to happen.<br /><br />I really believe an honest full disclosure on your behalf to your child is the best approach. If not, how will your child interpret the conflicting messages of your positive sex talk and the negative secrecy?<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vi1rF2RWk7I/TxQ2DAMyn4I/AAAAAAAABcU/exSm2LHtCZE/s1600/-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vi1rF2RWk7I/TxQ2DAMyn4I/AAAAAAAABcU/exSm2LHtCZE/s1600/-1.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sex talk</td></tr></tbody></table>For practical advice and lists of questions to think through to help you prepare for how to communicate to your child about what your values and level of public comfort is when it comes to sex and talking about it, I very much recommend <a href="/2011/03/from-diapers-to-dating.html"><i>From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children</i></a> by Debra W. Haffner, a parenting and sexuality educator with more than twenty years of experience. Haffner takes into consideration different religious, ethical and individual norms and comfort levels, and provides informed and balanced advice to adults of different backgrounds and values on how to teach their children about sexuality and serve as positive role models for them.<br /><br />Haffner's inclusion of parents of various backgrounds who hold different norms and comfort levels can also be helpful in thinking through how other children's parents might respond to your values and approach to talking about sex, and help you prepare ways to deal with other children's parents who hold different values than you do. If you ever encounter other parents' negative reactions or other unwanted social repercussions based on your approach to your child's sex education, it might be helpful to remind yourself just how diverse people's backgrounds can be, and especially in this country, and that when people react negatively to something, it is usually more about where they're coming from than what you're doing.<br /><br />Teaching your child that you might have different expectations and awareness about sex than lots of other parents, begins with your building your own self-awareness about where you're coming from and communicating this as honestly and clearly as possible as you can to your child. Developing awareness in your child about your specific values and comfort levels, and that your specific values and comfort levels are bound to collide or at least not always agree 100% with those of other parents, is also a good starting point for encouraging your child to be attentive to his or her own levels of comfort. Which will help your child develop and fine tune the skills to identify what feels good or not to her or him. And that will be an asset to the child both in helping him or her recognize predatory behavior, as I discuss in <a data-mce-href="https://lovesexfamily.com/2011/10/when-warped-fear-of-pedophiles-turns-to.html" href="/2011/10/when-warped-fear-of-pedophiles-turns-to.html" target="_blank">this post</a>, and also to be clear about what she or he is ready for in terms of physical and sexual intimacy, and when.<br /><br /><b>Photos from:</b><br /><ul><li><a data-mce-href="http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/05/08/o.having.the.sex.talk/index.html" href="http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/05/08/o.having.the.sex.talk/index.html" target="_blank">How to talk to your kids about sex</a> (Oprah.com), featuring advice from sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman, the author of among others <i><a data-mce-href="http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Your-Kids-About-Sex/dp/0756657385/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2" href="http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Your-Kids-About-Sex/dp/0756657385/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2" title="Talking to Your Kids About Sex: turning &#34;the talk&#34; into a conversation for life">Talking to Your Kids About Sex: turning "the talk" into a conversation for life</a></i>.</li><li><a data-mce-href="http://www.healthcanal.com/mental-health-behavior/18516-Parents-urged-talk-soon-talk-often.html" href="http://www.healthcanal.com/mental-health-behavior/18516-Parents-urged-talk-soon-talk-often.html" target="_blank">Parents urged to talk soon, talk often</a> (HealthCanal.com), featuring a new resource guide developed to help parents initiate regular and relaxed conversations with their children about sexuality and relationships. Published by the Australian Department of Health, the resource guide translates easily to an American context. The guide is available as a FREE downloadable PDF-file: <a data-mce-href="http://www.public.health.wa.gov.au/cproot/4011/2/HP11643_Talk%20Soon%20_Talk_Often%20_Guide.pdf" href="http://www.public.health.wa.gov.au/cproot/4011/2/HP11643_Talk%20Soon%20_Talk_Often%20_Guide.pdf" title="Talk Soon Talk Often Guide"><i>Talk Soon Talk Often. A guide for parents talking to their kids about sex</i> (PDF 2.25MB)</a>.</li></ul>(This post was originally published at <a href="http://magazine.goodvibes.com/2012/01/11/if-you-want-your-sex-talk-to-stay-in-the-family/">Good Vibrations Magazine</a>.)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-165518891328196791?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-12724804037126142772012-01-13T10:57:00.000-06:002012-01-13T10:57:57.739-06:00Fotoshop by Adobé {featured video}This commercial isn’t real, and neither are society’s standards of beauty.<br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/S_vVUIYOmJM" width="560"></iframe><br /><br />By <a href="http://jesserosten.com/2012/fotoshop-by-adobe">Jesse Rosten</a>.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-1272480403712614277?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-67836923125006749232012-01-10T20:10:00.000-06:002012-01-10T20:10:00.728-06:00Preventing Gender Bullying in the Classroom | TFJCK {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kipjLTbE-E/Twzuf0Zc-zI/AAAAAAAABb0/0FhYXnOZIus/s1600/tempel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kipjLTbE-E/Twzuf0Zc-zI/AAAAAAAABb0/0FhYXnOZIus/s200/tempel.jpg" width="146" /></a></div>This is an inspiring account of one teacher's experiences with teaching young children about gender, gender bullying, gender stereotypes and helping young children debunk narrow gender roles.<br /><b><br />Excerpt:</b><br />As teachers, we often use gender to divide students into groups or teams. It seems easy and obvious. Many of us do this when we line students up to go to the bathroom. In one conversation that I had with Allie’s mother, she told me that Allie did not like using public bathrooms because many times Allie would be accused of being in the wrong bathroom. As soon as she told me I felt bad. By dividing the children into two lines by assigned gender, I had unintentionally made the children whose labels aren’t so clear feel uncomfortable in more ways than one.<br /><br />When we lined up to go to the bathroom, I kept my students in one line until we reached the bathroom, and then let them separate to enter their bathrooms. Allie usually said she didn’t need to use the bathroom. The few times that she did, I offered the bathroom around the corner, a single-stall bathroom that was usually unoccupied. When the kids came out of the bathroom, they wanted to line up as most classrooms do, in boys’ and girls’ lines. Instead, I thought up a new way for them to line up each day. For example: “If you like popsicles, line up here. If you like ice cream, line up here.” They loved this and it kept them entertained while they waited for their classmates. <br /><a href="http://togetherforjacksoncountykids.tumblr.com/post/14314184651/one-teachers-approach-to-preventing-gender-bullying-in">Read More at Together For Jackson County Kids (TFJCK) >></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-6783692312500674923?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-67664200020036366442012-01-02T12:23:00.000-06:002012-01-02T12:23:00.356-06:00How To Talk About Porn With Kids | Sexual Intelligence {featured read}Experienced sex therapist, author, and educator <a href="http://www.sexed.org/#">Dr. Marty Klein</a> has put together a brief <a href="http://sexualintelligence.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/your-kid-looks-at-porn-now-what/">blog post</a> giving accessible and practical advice to parents about how to talk to their kids about porn.<br /><br /><b>Excerpt:</b><br />Here’s what we know: All children are sexual. That means they have sexual feelings and thoughts. [...] How parents deal with <b>their feelings</b> about their children’s sexuality will shape how they feel about, and what they do about, their kid looking at porn. [...]<br /><br />Even parents who accept the reality that their kids are sexual and masturbate can be concerned about porn. What if it’s violent? What if it encourages values of which I disapprove? What if it’s confusing? The answer to all three questions is: it might. [...]<br /><br />If your kid watches porn, he or she might easily get confused: Is that what sex is really like? Is that what most people look like naked? Do strangers really have sex together so easily? Are some people really rough with each other in bed? (This is where you explain that just as kids play games on the ballfield, pretending to be mean or brave when they really aren’t, some adults play games in bed, pretending to be bossy or submissive when they really aren’t.)<br /><br />Questions like these deserve answers. And if you remember <b>your</b> childhood—before the internet—you know that kids develop questions (and confusion) about sex even without porn. After all, you did.<br />The response to “my kid’s watching porn, what do I do?” is—you talk about it. You ask lots of gentle questions. Your kid squirms. You explain stuff. You squirm. No one’s comfortable talking about this. You talk anyway. That’s what parents do—they talk about subjects even when they’re uncomfortable.<br />Just like kids need media literacy, kids need <b>porn literacy</b>. They need to understand that they’re watching actors playing roles, not documentaries. They need to understand that just as <i>Glee</i> and <i>Harry Potter</i> are edited, so are porn films. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life. For example, porn usually omits two crucial parts of sex—the feelings and the talking.<br /><a href="http://sexualintelligence.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/your-kid-looks-at-porn-now-what/">Read More at Sexual Intelligence >> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-6766420002003636644?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-44446107888997016622011-12-26T08:00:00.001-06:002011-12-26T08:00:01.173-06:00Undersage Sex? It's Not a Big Problem | Guardian {featured read}In response to new research on the number of youth who have sex in England comes this refreshing commentary about the situation of sex among youth there, presenting an uplifting contrast to the negative situation of underage sex in the US as portrayed in <a href="/2011/12/dirty-little-secrets-flip-side-of.html"><i>Dirty Little Secrets</i></a>.<br /><b><br />Excerpt:</b><br />It is true that underage sexual activity in girls is rising at a higher rate than in boys, but I don't believe underage sex is an inherent problem; the age of consent is largely arbitrary. If a girl has safe consensual sex with another girl or boy at 15, both are happy and there are no significant power-imbalances – that's fine. [...]<br /><br />Like [shadow health minister Diane] Abbott, I am concerned about pornification, the way in which much mainstream porn presents women. I'm concerned that young women believe there is one right way to look during sex, and about the persistent tendency of mainstream media to present sexual activity between women as titillation for male viewers.<br /><br />However, girls don't just have sex because they view themselves as "sex objects": teenage and even pre-teenage girls have sexual desires of their own. Sex isn't necessarily something that is done to girls, because they view themselves as sexual objects; it can be initiated and enjoyed by them. Indeed, the reason underage sex among girls is rising could be due to female sexuality becoming less taboo.<br /><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/dec/16/underage-sex-report-problem-choice">Read More at the Guaridan >></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-4444610788899701662?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-84751211236256628312011-12-19T08:00:00.000-06:002011-12-19T08:00:06.534-06:00Scarlet Road {featured film}<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" mozallowfullscreen="" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/23523628?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="400"></iframe><br /><a href="http://vimeo.com/23523628">Scarlet Road Video</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user6722674">Paradigm Pictures</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br /><i><br /></i><a href="http://www.scarletroad.com.au/about/">Scarlet Road</a> follows the work of Australian sex worker Rachel Wotton who specializes in a long over-looked clientele: people with disability.<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">Impassioned about freedom of sexual expression, Australian sex worker Rachel Wotton has become highly specialized in working with clients with disability. Rachel’s philosophy, that human touch and sexual intimacy can be some of the most therapeutic aspects to our existence, is making a dramatic impact on the lives of her clients ... While Rachel’s clients give a glimpse into their sexual self-discovery, <a href="http://www.scarletroad.com.au/about/">Scarlet Road</a> follows Rachel as she strives to increase awareness and access to sexual expression for people with disability. Rachel is also an active campaigner for both policy makers and the general public to recognise that sex work is work. She has been a part of an international movement to try to gain rights for sex workers and to end the social stigma and discriminatory practices that surround their occupation.<br /><a name='more'></a><br />To bring greater understanding of her work she has helped set up ‘<a href="http://www.scarletroad.com.au/touching-base/">Touching Base</a>’ and has travelled overseas to present at conferences. On a journey to the UK, Denmark and Sweden, Rachel meets up with sex workers and people with disabilities, as well as making quite an impression as a speaker at the World Congress on Sexual Health. Up against a hectic work schedule Rachel is endeavoring to graduate from the University of Sydney, with a Masters degree in Sexual Health. She has big dreams and hopes to secure funding for <a href="http://www.scarletroad.com.au/touching-base/">Touching Base</a> to expand their training workshops for organisations and sex workers. Eventually Rachel hopes to help create the world’s first not-for-profit brothel – a centre of excellence for training that enables sex workers to upskill and share their knowledge when providing services to clients with disability.</blockquote><a href="http://www.scarletroad.com.au/about/">Click here</a> for more information.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-8475121123625662831?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-63662425356727105322011-12-12T08:00:00.005-06:002011-12-12T08:00:02.831-06:00Dirty Little Secrets: The Flip Side of Denying Girls Pleasure {featured book}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AhCRNLaCzp8/TuI_3IxoxYI/AAAAAAAABYI/7XVoGiXCxek/s1600/dirty_little_secrets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AhCRNLaCzp8/TuI_3IxoxYI/AAAAAAAABYI/7XVoGiXCxek/s200/dirty_little_secrets.jpg" width="135" /></a></div>Based on interviews with young women and solid research, <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dirty-Little-Secrets-Breaking-Promiscuity/dp/1402260695/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323450042&sr=1-3">Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity</a> </i>(2011) unpacks, despite its title, not simply the subject of promiscuous girls, but in general how young women in our culture are denied the opportunity to develop a sexual identity on their own terms. Instead girls (and many women) see their identities as tied up with how boys (/men) view them, never quite measuring up. Above all, it shows how girls, taught not to be sexual, often have sex not for the sake of their own sexual pleasure, but to be accepted, <u>seen</u>, and, ironically, rescued from their belief that they are not good enough as they are.<br /><br />The author, Kerry Cohen, is a practicing psychotherapist and once a "loose girl" herself; many will know her as the author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Loose-Girl-Promiscuity-Kerry-Cohen/dp/B002KHMZN6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323450894&sr=1-1"><i>Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity</i></a> (2008). As Cohen shows, the perpetuation of a "cultural narrative" that teaches young girls that "boys are horny, but girls are not, and so girls must do what they can to keep boys and their out-of-control hormones at bay," doesn't keep girls "safe" at all. Because "when you deny a group of people an essential part of who they are, a part they have full right to, they often wind up using it in a self-destructive manner rather than a natural part of their development." Moreover, telling girls to be "sexy but not sexual" greatly outweighs any attention to what might be "a natural, authentic sense of their sexual identity." <br /><a name='more'></a><br />The purpose of <i>Dirty Little Secrets</i> is both to open a discussion that aims to identify girls' sexual experiences in our culture and how they develop as sexual creatures inside a culture that largely holds the reins on what that means. It is also to provide some suggestions for helping girls (and women) find their way out of this negative experience with using sex for male attention, and helping girls (and women) gain control over their sexual lives.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O1w0vl1Mr_I/TuJGKQgOe_I/AAAAAAAABYQ/sVHUcALSHvI/s1600/book.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O1w0vl1Mr_I/TuJGKQgOe_I/AAAAAAAABYQ/sVHUcALSHvI/s200/book.jpg" width="151" /></a></div>As a result, <i>Dirty Little Secrets</i> brings the reader powerful narratives, supplemented by cultural insights and scientific findings. It is a must-read for anyone who cares about the sexual health and empowerment of young women and, as it turns out, grown women too. An advocate for better sex education, Cohen in the Appendix also includes extensive resources and worksheets with questions and exercises for school administrators, school counselors, therapists, parents and caretakers, and the girls themselves, separate lists of recommended books for teens and parents, and links to external resources.<br /><br />Among the many topics Cohen confronts is how the abstinence train co-opts a girl's control over her own sexual choices and how the labeling of girls into "virgins," "sluts," and "empowered" (à la Ariel Levy's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Female-Chauvinist-Pigs-Raunch-Culture/dp/0743249895">female chauvenist pigs</a>) deny girls true empowerment and the room to develop a healthy and positive sexual identity. And she addresses in separate chapters the significance of mothers as positive role-models, and of fathers' relationships to their daughters. And she tackles the difficult subject of rape and how complicated the issue can be when girls without ownership of their sexuality have sex and feel violated, even if they consented. And how <a href="/2011/07/mating-call-of-drunk-woo-girls.html">girls get drunk</a> to lose their virginity and have sex so that they will have an excuse later on (if they can't blame it on <i>"Love</i>").<br /><br />Cohen also discusses sexting and cybersex in an admirably nuanced manner that forces us to see the sensationalist stories blown up by the media for what they are, and consider the real problem, which "is not necessarily that girls are victims of predatory males. It's that they are victims of very narrow definitions of sexual desirability, and in many ways, sexting is one more way girls wind up viewing sexual behavior as completely removed from their own desire." That said, Cohen also suggests we consider sexting as a safe way to explore sex; "that sexting is not only safe but also keeps kids safer than if they were having real-life sex." And that online resources and positive communities can be a good place for youth to turn for real, frank information when conversations with parents can be embarrassing. <br /><br />In her final chapters, Cohen provides advice to empower grown women, and suggestions for how to talk to teens about sex, including sexual desire, outercourse, masturbation, and emotions, all thoughtfully and accessibly written. <br /><br />I highly recommend <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dirty-Little-Secrets-Breaking-Promiscuity/dp/1402260695/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323450042&sr=1-3">Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity</a></i>. <br /><br />Adapted excerpt by Cohen: <a href="/2011/06/psychology-today-if-teenage-girl-has.html">If a Teenage Girl Has Sex, Does This Means She's At Risk?</a> <br /><br />(Cohen is also the author of the forthcoming memoir <i>Seeing Ezra</i>, about parenting her autistic son, and she has written three young-adult novels.)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-6366242535672710532?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-55615221897965664352011-12-09T15:15:00.000-06:002011-12-09T15:15:15.624-06:00The Purity Myth {featured film}<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" mozallowfullscreen="" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/33173853" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="400"></iframe><br /><a href="http://vimeo.com/33173853">The Purity Myth Trailer</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user4792389">Media Education Foundation</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?preadd=action&key=247"><i>The Purity Myth: The Virginity Movement's War Against Women</i></a> is a video adaptation of pioneering feminist blogger Jessica Valenti's bestselling book. <br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">[The film] trains her sights on "the virginity movement" -- an unholy alliance of evangelical Christians, right-wing politicians, and conservative policy intellectuals who have been exploiting irrational fears about women's sexuality to roll back women's rights. From dad-and-daughter "purity balls," taxpayer-funded abstinence-only curricula, and political attacks on Planned Parenthood, to recent attempts by legislators to de-fund women's reproductive health care and narrow the legal definition of rape, Valenti identifies a single, unifying assumption: the myth that the worth of a woman depends on what she does -- or does not do -- sexually. In the end, Valenti argues that the health and well-being of women are too important to be left to ideologues bent on vilifying feminism and undermining women's autonomy.</blockquote> Find out more about Valenti and her film <a href="http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?preadd=action&key=247">here</a>.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-5561522189796566435?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-25530561330114165802011-12-08T08:00:00.001-06:002011-12-08T08:00:13.664-06:00Ask Anything, Tell All | Washington Monthly {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-986qXw-kT7g/TtZKkGYHD6I/AAAAAAAABXg/wjeLCyEAA3o/s1600/ask-anything-tell-all.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-986qXw-kT7g/TtZKkGYHD6I/AAAAAAAABXg/wjeLCyEAA3o/s200/ask-anything-tell-all.jpg" width="165" /></a></div>"Is sex columnist Dan Savage a shock jock, a sagacious ethicist, or both?" <i>Washington Monthly</i> brings us this astute profile of Dan Savage, which shows his wide cultural influence as a new (but radically different) Ann Landers. It is a must-read for how it unpacks Savage's sexual ethics. (Republished by the <i>Utne Reader</i>, Sept-Oct 2011).<br /><b><br />Excerpt:</b><br />After 20 years of churning out Savage Love, the Seattle writer can lay a legitimate claim to being America’s most influential advice columnist. He is syndicated around the world in more than 70 newspapers—mainly alternative weeklies in the United States—with well over 1 million in total circulation. Online, he reaches millions more readers. He is a frequent contributor to the popular radio program <i>This American Life</i>, and a Savage Love television show is under discussion with MTV. His podcast has a higher iTunes ranking than those of Rachel Maddow or the <i>NBC Nightly News</i>, and his books have sold briskly. And when it suits him, the range of his commentary has become increasingly broad. In the space of one column—the one where he announced his purchase of Ann Landers’ desk—Savage offered advice to a 30-year-old woman who wanted to sleep with a 17-year-old coworker, fielded a question from a man with a childbirth fetish, and then, for good measure, advised the Bush administration to take a harder stance on Saudi Arabia.<br /><br />Savage’s ability to mobilize legions of readers has also matured beyond the lobbing of incendiary Google bombs. Last fall, a streak of suicides by gay teenagers across the country inspired Savage and his husband, Terry Miller, to post a video testimonial on YouTube. The two men recounted their difficulties growing up bullied and harassed, then held up their adult lives—and happiness as a couple—as evidence that, for gay people living in America, “it gets better.” Savage encouraged other people to film their own testimonials and post them online under the heading of the “It Gets Better Project.” A torrent of videos poured in, first from Savage’s regular readers, then from various Hollywood celebrities, and then from leaders in Washington. Hillary Clinton was quickly followed by Nancy Pelosi and President Obama himself, who delivered the line “Every day, it gets better” from the White House.<br /><a href="http://www.utne.com/Media/Ask-Anything-Tell-All-Dan-Savage-Sex-Advice.aspx">Read More at Utne Reader >> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-2553056133011416580?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-37137008828039500012011-12-05T08:38:00.000-06:002011-12-05T08:38:54.692-06:00Look God, No Hands | Bust {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-if9CmQWrfJI/TtZDSekv4oI/AAAAAAAABXY/9u7QHDyCKlE/s1600/look-god-no-hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-if9CmQWrfJI/TtZDSekv4oI/AAAAAAAABXY/9u7QHDyCKlE/s200/look-god-no-hands.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>"Dirty Girls Ministries," led by 26-year-old Crystal Renaud, is on a crusade against the evils of female masturbation. The fierce magazine <i>Bust</i> has looked more closely at the current Christian anti-porn, anti-masturbation movement and how it affects young women. (Republished by the <i>Utne Reader</i>, Sept-Oct 2011).<br /><br /><b>Excerpt:</b><br />The No Stones recovery group is part of an organization called Dirty Girls Ministries that Renaud launched in 2009 after suffering from her own self-described pornography addiction. She says she wanted to help other women recover from their X-rated fixations by connecting with them online and holding meetings at her local church. But her use of the terms <i>porn</i> and <i>addiction</i> may be misleading. The growing group of 100-plus members who participate in the forums say that they masturbate or view porn—which they define as including erotica and romance novels—twice a week or less. For most of us, that would hardly be considered excessive. But to Renaud, it indicates an epidemic of addiction, one that can be treated by helping women stay “clean” of masturbation. <br /><br />In addition to the online ministry, she speaks regularly at various evangelical churches in Kansas and has written a book called <i>Dirty Girls Come Clean</i>. “Whether you believe it or not, women are addicted to porn,” Renaud preached in a recent sermon. “You’d be surprised at how many women—women in your own lives—are hiding this deep, dark, and dirty secret.”<br /><br />While many of the women she counsels report turning to pornography as a form of escape—from traumas like sexual abuse, infidelity, and even prostitution—Renaud compares their masturbation to alcoholism, saying that “like drugs and alcohol, so many things that feel good in a short amount of time can end up hurting you.”<br /><br />Renaud’s advocacy is labeled antipornography, but it aims to treat all masturbation, whether it involves porn or not. When you peel back the layers, the core of her crusade is against sexual thought—even within marriage—unless those thoughts are about your husband while you are engaging in intercourse with him.<br /><a href="http://www.utne.com/Mind-Body/Dirty-Girls-Ministries-Evil-Female-Masturbation.aspx">Read More at Utne Reader >></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-3713700882803950001?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-17296517623324529182011-12-01T08:15:00.004-06:002011-12-01T08:15:00.296-06:00X-Rated Ethics | Green Futures {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MHwYD1Y6uXg/TtY7jaaovPI/AAAAAAAABXQ/rfdl8Zfv_JY/s1600/x-rated-ethics.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MHwYD1Y6uXg/TtY7jaaovPI/AAAAAAAABXQ/rfdl8Zfv_JY/s200/x-rated-ethics.jpg" width="183" /></a></div>This is a fascinating article from <i>Green Futures</i>, the leading British magazine on environmental solutions and sustainable futures, about how socially sustainable sex work could save the economy, the environment, and our society. (Republished by the <i>Utne Reader</i>, Sept-Oct 2011).<br /><br /><b>Excerpt:</b> <br />There’s certainly an ugly side to the sex industry. Exploitation and trafficking play a part—but the common assumption that sex work is inherently dangerous or degrading can, with bitter irony, actually make life harder for those involved. In November 2010, <i>The Economist</i>, citing a report by Human Rights Watch, warned that international laws designed to suppress human trafficking and sexual exploitation—leading to the closure of bars and brothels—have “helped the police to beat, rob, and rape sex workers with impunity.” The magazine asserted: “Most migrant sex workers have left home for good reasons of their own—among them a desire to work away from their families, and to earn more money.” Catherine Stephens of the International Union of Sex Workers agrees. “It’s not only inaccurate to suggest that the majority of sex workers do not choose their profession,” she argues: “it’s patronizing and disempowering.”<br /><br />According to stereotypes, men who pay for sex are on a power trip. But in the vast majority of cases, says Belinda Brooks-Gordon, author of <i>The Price of Sex: Prostitution, Policy and Society</i>, the reality is very different. For many johns, “mutuality is part of the attraction. . . . Sex workers [actually] get bored by constant interrogation [from clients] about their well-being.”<br /><a href="http://www.utne.com/Mind-Body/Sustainable-Sex-Industry-Corporate-Social-Responsibility.aspx">Read More at Utne Reader<i> </i>>> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-1729651762332452918?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-71066011587420436662011-11-28T15:27:00.003-06:002011-11-28T15:31:03.245-06:00Why Children Don't Tell<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EaPHc2RWYco/TtP5d13PmZI/AAAAAAAABW4/QUXYTkD8X7Y/s1600/66082485.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EaPHc2RWYco/TtP5d13PmZI/AAAAAAAABW4/QUXYTkD8X7Y/s200/66082485.jpg" width="133" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-x-sex-abuse-talks-20111116,0,4682977.story">Steward</a> uses these dolls to<br />teach children how to tell<br />someone if they are ever abused.</td></tr></tbody></table>The Penn State child sex abuse scandal has gotten people asking not only how witnesses could <a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/12/why_didnt_mcqueary_call_the_police/">fail to report</a> the crimes they saw committed against the young boys, but also why the victims didn't tell. So why didn't they? Explains the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (<a href="http://www.pcar.org/about-pcar">PCAR</a>):<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">Just because a child does not disclose or initially denies sexual abuse doesn't mean it is not happening. Sexual abuse is a secret crime, one that usually has no witnesses. Shame, secrecy, and fear keep a child from disclosing the abuse. Victims of child sexual abuse are often unable to trust, which contributes to secrecy and non-disclosure. Often, children do not tell about sexual abuse because they:<br /><ul><li><i>are too young to recognize their victimization or put it into words</i></li><li><i>were threatened or bribed by the abuser</i></li><li><i>feel confused by fearing the abuse but liking the attention</i></li><li><i>are afraid no one will believe them</i></li><li><i>blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"</i></li><li><i>feel guilty for consequences to the perpetrator</i></li></ul></blockquote>(Quoted from PCAR's "Child Sexual Abuse" <a href="http://www.pcar.org/catalog/medium/brochures">brochure</a>).<br /><br />As PCAR also states, education is the best defense against child sexual assault. "An educated child has the ability to recognize dangerous/uncomfortable situations and will be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred."<br /><a name='more'></a><br />I include PCAR's advice on how to educate the child to help protect her- or himself in <a href="/2011/10/when-warped-fear-of-pedophiles-turns-to.html">this post</a>.<br /><br />Kimberly Steward, a facilitator for <a href="http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm">Darkness to Light</a>, a national group aimed at ending child sexual abuse and the author of two books on child sexual abuse, seconds the stress on education. "You have to be strong enough to overcome your fears about teaching your children about sex and their sexuality, so you can arm them with knowledge to arm themselves," says Steward to the Chicago Tribune (<a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-x-sex-abuse-talks-20111116,0,4682977.story">Child sex abuse: Tips to prevent sex abuse of your child</a>). A "timely and helpful article," as sex blogger <a href="http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2011/11/sex-news-bacon-lube-orgasm-mri-harvard-sex-week-dan-savage.html">Violet Blue</a> notes, it is also important to keep in mind as Blue stresses that "the Penn State victims were at-risk children that likely didn’t have a standard parental support structure like the ‘typical’ one addressed in this article."<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-7106601158742043666?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-33586368218918663692011-11-21T10:32:00.006-06:002012-01-05T11:37:11.671-06:00Pregnant with Desire: A Review of Madison Young’s Documentary {featured film}(This post was originally published at <a href="http://magazine.goodvibes.com/2011/11/17/pregnant-with-desire-a-review-of-madison-youngs-documentary/">Good Vibrations Magazine</a>.)<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="123" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Sr4h8VoFUTQ/TkyKuGnzVWI/AAAAAAAABFo/IEN6P51EzLE/s200/madisonyoung.jpg" width="200" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Madison: <a href="http://www.blogher.com/mothers-sexuality-taking-back-milf?page=full">Taking Back MILF</a></td></tr></tbody></table>Feminist pornographer and queer-kink activist Madison Young has received a lot of media attention lately for her <a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/08/16/madison_young_2/">breast feeding advocacy</a> and for incorporating motherhood into her<a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/03/mommy_is_a_love_artist/singleton/"> sex-positive performance art</a>. There has been less attention given to Madison's pregnancy activism. A few months before she herself got pregnant, Madison directed the documentary <a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=8-3-MA-1001&kbid=112660">Pregnant with Desire</a>. Featuring many of her friends, it shows, as <a href="http://www.blogher.com/mothers-sexuality-taking-back-milf?page=full">explains Madison</a>, "how couples can stay connected while they're pregnant and how sexualities change and how bodies and people's feelings about their own bodies change, how they feel like beautiful sexual beings during their pregnancy -- but without exploiting or fetishizing them."<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_GMVMR6xJA4/TsWINyv5DiI/AAAAAAAABUM/3iE_okC3Tb0/s1600/PDcover.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_GMVMR6xJA4/TsWINyv5DiI/AAAAAAAABUM/3iE_okC3Tb0/s1600/PDcover.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=8-3-MA-1001&kbid=112660">Pregnant with Desire</a> includes four episodes. Each begins with an interview before we see the women have their choice of sex. Featuring queer, kinky sex-positive sex workers and performers, I didn't immediately connect with the characters, and the sex scenes don't reflect the kind of attention to <a href="http://magazine.goodvibes.com/2011/04/04/part-i-my-very-brief-guide-to-feminist-porn/">production quality and re-visioned content</a> that to me sets feminist and progressive sex films apart from mainstream porn. Nevertheless, the film is a valuable contribution to the much-silenced topic of pregnant women's sex lives and the erotic sensations experienced by the changing bodies of pregnant women. Offering advice and inspiration, the film encourages women and their partners to enjoy and take pride in women's pregnant bodies. And as one pregnant woman points out, her level of sexual confidence inspires her body confidence too, an asset as birth approaches and she can better articulate to her midwife what she wants, and asking questions without embarrassment. And as another woman points out, what's good for mom, is good for baby.<br /><a name='more'></a><br />The interviews are particularly helpful. Addressing common issues such as morning sickness, tender breasts, and sexual dreams as blood levels and hormones surge, the women share their experiences with changing sensitivities and what feels and has felt good to them as their bodies grow and transform.<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zmS6XkOaARU/TsWKYD9QROI/AAAAAAAABU4/AAl-QpRGCvw/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h31m33s60-150x150.png" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zmS6XkOaARU/TsWKYD9QROI/AAAAAAAABU4/AAl-QpRGCvw/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h31m33s60-150x150.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tricksie and Sadie</td></tr></tbody></table>Tricksie, for instance, talks about how even during the first four months of pregnancy when she was feeling really sick, sex would actually make her feel better and give her relief because of all the hormones happening and the chemicals released during orgasm and arousal. Miss Muffy, on the other hand, notes that even if in general she's had more sexual dreams and felt more sexual during her pregnancy, there have been times when the level of "uncomfortableness will override the sexiness." How she can feel horny, "but don't touch me!" <br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bV4ELzV6LUA/TsWKdBcKkjI/AAAAAAAABVA/9zzpktHPw54/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h18m14s45-150x150.png" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bV4ELzV6LUA/TsWKdBcKkjI/AAAAAAAABVA/9zzpktHPw54/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h18m14s45-150x150.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ambrosia</td></tr></tbody></table>Heavily pregnant Ambrosia talks about how belly dancing helps her feel sensual and erotic, in tune with her body and in love with herself; an earth goddess. And both Tricksie and Miss Muffy share advice on what positions feel best as their bodies grow, which is also helpful.<br /><br />Though the couple featured in the final episode does talk about their feelings about pregnancy (as the epitome of womanhood: feminine, vibrant and alive), it doesn't quite fit the theme of the film. Instead the episode focuses on how a lactating woman (Penny) and her husband (Eric) incorporates lactation in their sex. In Mongolia, a country which <a href="http://www.momzelle.com/blog/2009/12/breastfeeding-in-mongolia/">takes its endorsement of breastfeeding seriously</a>, a woman will often express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves.<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-apXHPdet2rY/TsWKhmgQgFI/AAAAAAAABVI/CMrVg4iw9LQ/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h21m58s238-150x150.png" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-apXHPdet2rY/TsWKhmgQgFI/AAAAAAAABVI/CMrVg4iw9LQ/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h21m58s238-150x150.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eric and Penny</td></tr></tbody></table>At first grossed out when her husband sucked a little milk out of her breast before letting it spill from his mouth into hers, the couple now shares and enjoys this act as a very intimate way of being close while it also feel kind of "dirty," but in a <u>good</u> way, adds Penny. Penny also talks about how it excites her to see her breasts begin to lactate when she's turned on since it is a very visual sign that she is in fact aroused, something getting wet doesn't quite do for her unlike what an erection will do for a man.<br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hWQwiYsJILE/TsWKmltw38I/AAAAAAAABVQ/DUUqhZLRso0/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h35m17s11-150x150.png" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hWQwiYsJILE/TsWKmltw38I/AAAAAAAABVQ/DUUqhZLRso0/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-11-17-15h35m17s11-150x150.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Syd and Miss Muffy</td></tr></tbody></table>The sex featured on <a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=8-3-MA-1001&kbid=112660">Pregnant with Desire</a> includes a lot of vulva stimulation using fingers, mouths, dildos and vibrators. And at least to a certain extent, the sex reflects what the women have said about how they as pregnant like their sex to be. But as another reviewer <a href="http://www.light-switch.net/2010/09/porn-review-pregnant-with-desire.html?zx=dc844cf368c0e427">commented</a>, "while this film has hot parts, and I enjoyed it overall, it's more 'porn featuring pregnant women' than 'pregnant women in pregnancy-focused porn.'" The sound quality is not great and even if they feature queer sex, the sex numbers at times just feel too stereotypically porny with the come-hither-looks, high heels in bed, cum shots, and exaggerated moans. Even the nature and sequencing of the sex acts and positions feel typical to me, no matter how queer (a cum shot is still a cum shot, even if it's a female ejaculating, standing over a woman lying flat on her back).<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-3358636821891866369?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-82999097420091085932011-11-18T10:45:00.002-06:002012-01-13T10:59:32.899-06:00Snow Patrol: This Isn't Everything You Are {featured video}<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Q-Gljs8Y3Q8" width="560"></iframe><br /><br />For a little Friday sexy fun: watch for moving and inspiring erotic dance at a tango club in Buenos Aires about a minute and a half into the video. I love that it features a diversity of couples as well, young and old, straight and queer.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-8299909742009108593?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-71881519109846744712011-11-14T11:15:00.002-06:002011-11-14T15:29:26.498-06:00Stranger-Danger Message Puts Kids at Risk of Abuse<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kpRGpOTW3e0/TsE_owPamQI/AAAAAAAABTk/X9C6neWCRYA/s1600/pb-111111-pennStateVigil-01.photoblog900.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kpRGpOTW3e0/TsE_owPamQI/AAAAAAAABTk/X9C6neWCRYA/s200/pb-111111-pennStateVigil-01.photoblog900.jpg" width="133" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/11/8762947-candles-try-to-brighten-a-dark-week-at-penn-state">Honoring the victims</a></td></tr></tbody></table>“There are perverts out there,” said an attorney in town to our <a href="http://northfieldnews.com/content/age-limit-policy-toplessness-pool-raises-eyebrows-northfield">local newspaper</a> addressing the issue of an age limit policy on “toplessness” at our city’s pool. In a culture with as warped views on human sexuality as ours, I actually don’t question that there are perverts around. It’s just that in <a href="/2011/10/when-warped-fear-of-pedophiles-turns-to.html">90% of all instances of child sexual abuse, the abuser knows the child</a>. Child sex abusers are fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, neighbors, babysitters, spiritual leaders, coaches. Like <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/12/penn-state-scandal-sandusky_n_1090203.html">Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky </a>who is finally facing charges after abusing eight young boys over a 15-year period. Caught 9 years ago by a witness in the locker room showers having <a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/12/why_didnt_mcqueary_call_the_police/">anal sex with a 10-year-old boy</a>, the abuse has been silenced for years by his supervisors who turned a blind eye to the abuse. Despite reports of inappropriate behavior on behalf of Sandusky since the late 90s. <br /><br />People do that all the time. “He’s so good with the boys, we know and trust their coach.”<br /><br />It’s exactly this kind of trust of which child abusers take advantage. Notes columnist <a href="http://www.startribune.com/local/133748293.html">Gail Rosenblum</a>, "The grand jury report is a sickening synopsis of the methodical workings of a sexual predator." As the founder of the Second Mile, a group foster home to help troubled boys, Sandusky ingratiated himself with the boys and, often, their mothers, by giving them gifts and treating them to football games, and by inviting them to eat in the dining hall with Penn State athletes and to Sandusky family picnics and on walks with the family dog. "Soon it wasn't odd at all that the boys were left alone with Sandusky, in the locker-room showers, or sleeping overnight in his basement, according to the report."<br /><br />The problem with the "stranger-danger" message is that "we cannot get our hands around the ugly truth, which is that, in so many cases, it is no stranger who harms them."<br /><a name='more'></a><br />Adds Alison Feigh, a community safety specialist with the <a href="http://www.jwrc.org/">Jacob Wetterling Resource Center</a>, about the stranger-danger message: <br /><blockquote>"It does not work. Kids have a very vivid image in their minds of what a stranger looks like. He's lurking in an alley, wearing a trench coat. He smells." If he doesn't fit that image, they don't think he's a stranger.<br /><br />Many kids are further confused by the message to avoid strangers when, on the first day of school, for example, "their school bus driver is a stranger. Their teacher is a stranger."</blockquote><br /><a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/12/why_didnt_mcqueary_call_the_police/">Joan Tabachnick</a>, author of the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s guide, <a href="http://www.nsvrc.org/publications/nsvrc-publications/engaging-bystanders-sexual-violence-prevention">Engaging Bystanders in Sexual Violence Prevention</a>, and a board member of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers, further comments on how the stranger-danger message prevents children from recognizing and reporting abuse when abusers are perceived as "these monsters, people who rape, murder and abduct strangers:" <br /><blockquote>So if the abuser is somebody you care about and respect, there’s a cognitive dissonance: “Can they really be doing this monstrous thing when they’re not a monster?” When I did some interviews with offenders in prison, I remember one minister saying that even when he was sexually abusing a child, he asked the child, “Is this good touch or bad touch?” and the child said, “Because it’s you and you’re a good man, it must be good touch.” ... Because we have moved more and more toward monsterizing the offender, it’s actually limiting our ability to prevent child sexual abuse. The more we make sex offenders into monsters, the less likely we are able to see behaviors in people we love that give us concern.<a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/12/why_didnt_mcqueary_call_the_police/"></a></blockquote>But, "we SO want sex abuse to be about the creepy pervert, the stranger who abducts and molests our kids," notes <a href="http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/10/preventing-and-reporting-child-abuse-the-questions-raised-by-the-penn-state-scandal">Steve Brown</a>, a psychologist and former Board chair of <a href="http://www.stopitnow.org/">Stop It Now!</a>, a leading national child sexual abuse prevention organization. The assumption is that we can "just put them all on sex offender registries, attach GPS devices to their ankles and we’ll be okay. We DON’T want to admit that 90 percent of sex abuse is committed by people known by the victim and the family – our brothers, uncles, fathers, stepdads, and…yes…coaches." We don't want to admit it and we don't want to face the issue. We don't want to "intrude"on "the privacy of the hallowed family." <br /><blockquote>We especially don't want to get involved when there are powerful people and institutions involved. When those institutions have “squeaky clean” images to uphold, we don’t want to be responsible for tarnishing that image. If we do raise our concerns, we risk social rejection. We also need to have some comfort with our feelings related to the shrouded area of sexuality and the language of sex to get involved and speak up. </blockquote><br />Rather than speaking up, however, we delude ourselves into thinking pedophiles are "shadowy strangers" that must be incarcerated, excluded from our communities, and placed on public registries. When all of that appears to only make things worse. The threat of a long sentence is not going to prevent a pedophile from acting, notes <a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/13/child_abuse_were_making_the_problem_worse/singleton/">James Cantor</a>, a clinical psychologist and editor in chief of the scientific journal <a href="http://www.sagepub.com/journalsProdDesc.nav?prodId=Journal201888">Sexual Abuse</a>; group therapy might. In fact, treatment, particularly group approaches, has been shown to be highly effective. However, mandatory criminal reporting and public registries prevent people from seeking help:<br /><blockquote>There have been a series of follow-up studies that show that having open registries also fails to decrease recidivism. They also, as a side effect, create very, very difficult situations for the victim’s families. People often envision strangers who pull a kid from a park or a school playground, because of course that’s what appears in the media the most. But the predominant types of offenses actually happen within families. It’s often a step-parent and a step-child or an older sibling and a younger sibling. A side effect of having the registry public is that it actually makes public the entire family. So rather than the family being able to move past, heal, do whatever it needs, some of them feel victimized once again.<br /><br />Moreover, if a parent discovers that one of their children is abusing one of their younger children, when there are very long sentences and very public labeling, it’s going to make parents think twice about calling the police and asking for help. So, though I more than appreciate the gut reaction that the public has, it’s very rarely the most scientifically sound reaction. This is one of those situations where we need to swallow our emotions and do our best to think rationally. It’s not just that the irrational arguments have no effect and are costing money, it’s that they’re also making the problem worse.</blockquote>Residency restriction also appears to make things worse:<br /><blockquote>There’s no evidence that preventing people from returning to whatever neighborhoods they came from actually works, and there’s some evidence that indirectly suggests that might actually make the problem worse. Essentially, these are communities that are trying to kick out every sex offender and to make the living situation so intolerable that the sex offender leaves. Well, “leaves” really just means “goes to another community” — and then another community, until finally the offender, who’s already served their time and been released after treatment, is driven underground and nobody can supervise them. So instead of having a person that the police know about and that the parole officers can check up on, we have people who we can’t supervise at all.<br /><br />So, although we have this gut reaction of punitive, punitive, punitive, we may be working backward and making it more difficult and more expensive to provide any kind of supervision.</blockquote><br />For now, <a href="http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/10/preventing-and-reporting-child-abuse-the-questions-raised-by-the-penn-state-scandal">Steve Brown</a> also emphasizes the importance in helping adult bystanders "recognize the signs of sexual abuse, talk with others about what they are seeing, and find the courage and words to speak up" even if it means that things might feel like they "get worse in the short term although hopefully better in the long term:"<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">Unlike Penn State, most often it is a wife speaking up about (or to) her husband whom she sees repeatedly coming out of their daughters’ bedroom in the middle of the night; a neighbor speaking up about (or to) a beloved neighbor who frequently has boys coming in and out of his house; an adult niece speaking up about (or to) a great uncle who always wants to play video games in the basement alone with a 10 year-old relative.</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">This is not an easy subject to raise when the abuser is the primary earner for the family; when he is well-loved, even by the son or daughter he is abusing; when he is the founder of organizations for vulnerable kids which do a lot of good; when speaking up means a crisis will ensue.<br /><br />To prevent sexual abuse, we must ALL struggle with these questions. Perhaps the Penn State situation will move us a little closer to speaking up as ACTIVE bystanders, not passive ones, looking out for the well-being of our children and those who cannot speak for themselves. </blockquote><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-7188151910984674471?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-55634260909241154742011-11-11T09:24:00.002-06:002011-11-11T09:44:22.003-06:00Comprehensive Sex Ed Bill Introduced in House and Senate | Tiny Nibbles {featured news}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FuPrkpI-Ang/Tr09k0flBZI/AAAAAAAABTc/v-todFcjXCc/s1600/sexed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FuPrkpI-Ang/Tr09k0flBZI/AAAAAAAABTc/v-todFcjXCc/s200/sexed.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>On November 1, a comprehensive sex education bill was introduced in the US House and Senate. Writes sex columnist Violet Blue at <a href="http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2011/11/comprehensive-sex-ed-bill-introduced-in-house-and-senate.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+VioletBlueOpenSourceSex+%28violet+blue+%C2%AE+%3A%3A+open+source+sex%29">Tiny Nibbles</a>: "it is not at all what I expected. It’s exactly what I’ve always hoped for."<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">It is the singlemost important piece of legislation for the public health sector in regard to preventing unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, sexual abuse, dating violence, bullying, fostering healthy relationships, and providing accurate sexual health information. It would -finally- disallow the US government to spend money on or promote programs that withhold information about HIV, are medically inaccurate or proven ineffective, promote gender stereotypes, are insensitive and unresponsive to the needs of sexually active or LGBT youth, or are inconsistent with ethical imperatives of medicine and public health. (This is the current state of affairs.) </blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><a href="http://www.opencongress.org/contact_congress_letters/new?bill=112-h3324&position=support">Use this link to send your representatives a letter</a> telling them to support <a href="http://www.opencongress.org/bill/112-h3324/show">HR 3324 – Healthy Youth Act</a>. Please, please, please spread the word.</blockquote><a href="http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2011/11/comprehensive-sex-ed-bill-introduced-in-house-and-senate.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+VioletBlueOpenSourceSex+%28violet+blue+%C2%AE+%3A%3A+open+source+sex%29"> Read More at Tiny Nibbles >></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-5563426090924115474?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-28400400117614244442011-11-06T09:39:00.003-06:002011-11-11T09:00:37.173-06:00Can America's Attitude Towards Sex Get Any Worse? (Or, What Happened When My Son Said 'Breast' in Pre-School) | AlterNet {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5Olnp0-R9fI/TrKn8tuV8EI/AAAAAAAABSQ/_XHsXWq1uEk/s1600/storyimages_sex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5Olnp0-R9fI/TrKn8tuV8EI/AAAAAAAABSQ/_XHsXWq1uEk/s200/storyimages_sex.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Few topics generate as much terror in America as sex, unless it is sex+children+education. Perhaps that is why sometimes even the most caring parents prefer to let schools (or as the case may be, porn) to provide the instructions. Quite simply, we are accustomed to allowing our children to view violence early on, but teaching them about the science or pleasure of our bodies dampens confidence quicker than a cold shower on a freezing day. We squirm, we deny, we laugh nervously and freak out frequently.<br /><br />I am the mother of two and a relationship writer, so it is no surprise that I’m often approached to answer questions or offer advice. Equally likely are the more disquieting moments when someone hears just how ‘open’ I’ve been with my own children (by open I mean answering their questions directly, simply and truthfully). More than once I’ve been on the receiving end of an indignant stare, the kind that with one raised eyebrow says, oh-no-you-didn’t-just-tell-your-kid-that.<br /><a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex/151554/can_america%27s_attitude_towards_sex_get_any_worse_%28or,_what_happened_when_my_son_said_%27breast%27_in_pre-school%29/">Read More at AlterNet >> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-2840040011761424444?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-82407384292830962522011-11-05T09:34:00.002-05:002011-11-11T09:00:51.470-06:00The Pill and Relationship Satisfaction, aka the power of interpretation | Scientific American {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3BED5VRaInM/TrKm2TvXtRI/AAAAAAAABSI/VcqT_LQWuU4/s1600/the-scicurious-brain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3BED5VRaInM/TrKm2TvXtRI/AAAAAAAABSI/VcqT_LQWuU4/s200/the-scicurious-brain.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I sometimes think I could write an entirely different blog, devoted entirely to oral contraceptives. I don’t know that it would make any difference, but there is just SO much misinformation out there. Similarly, I sometimes feel I could devote an entire blog to debunking over-interpreted science. The two blogs would frequently overlap.<br /><br />There’s just so much misinformation about “the Pill”. And there seems almost to be glee in the way people spread it. No one seems to spread this kind of misinformation about condoms. Or Nyquil. Or cholesterol medications. There’s something about taking a PILL (condoms don’t seem to have this, and the Ring has it less, too, I think because those are physical things and thus give themselves to a different mindset) that just makes people feel they are messing with their physiology, messing with their MINDS, messing with themSELVES, and feel it on another level entirely. Even psychiatric medications, it seems to me, don’t get this kind of bad rap.<br /><a href="http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/scicurious-brain/2011/10/18/the-pill-and-relationship-satisfaction-aka-the-power-of-interpretation/">Read More at Scientific American >> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-8240738429283096252?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-88165984766266651922011-11-04T09:08:00.010-05:002011-11-04T11:42:21.296-05:00The Womanly Heartaches of Bleeding, Infertility, and Miscarriages<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jaSWeTTLvdk/TrK_Uj8gLeI/AAAAAAAABSs/XqYYps3WRps/s1600/infertility-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jaSWeTTLvdk/TrK_Uj8gLeI/AAAAAAAABSs/XqYYps3WRps/s200/infertility-1.jpg" width="192" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11277&cn=65">Infertility</a></td></tr></tbody></table>I've written about the <a href="/2011/05/womanly-art-of-bleeding.html">womanly art of bleeding</a>. But what often goes in silence are the pains and heartaches many women experience on a regular basis as their bodies cycle through their periods. The swelling and the cramping, worsened for many by fibroids and uterine thickening, and the emotional effects of the hormone shifts.<br /><br />And then there's the bleeding women don't want to see when it becomes a message of infertility or the dramatic experience of miscarriage.<br /><br />Unbeknownst to the public, <a href="http://www.annaforgravesham.org.uk/about-3">Anna Arrowsmith</a>, also known as feminist pornographer <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/08/easy-on-eye-britains-first-female-porn.html">Anna Span</a>, has endured much of all of this over the years. Suffering on a regular basis from intense period pains and prolonged bleeding as a result of adenomyosis (endometriosis interna), she has over the last three years also gone through the added exaggerated effects of hormone treatments and IVF with its high hopes and wrenching losses. Four IVF cycles, four pregnancies, four successfully detected heartbeats, then no more.<br /><br />And nobody knew. When Anna was <a href="http://www.annaforgravesham.org.uk/">actively campaigning</a> last year as a Liberal Democrat Candidate for Gravesham in Kent, advocating for <a href="http://www.annaforgravesham.org.uk/articles/ideas-on-sexual-politics.htm">comprehensive human sexuality education</a> among other issues, nobody knew all that she was suffering off the political scene. <br /><br />Then after a dramatic conclusion to the fourth pregnancy this fall followed by near fatal illness due to treatments she'd received to keep the pregnancy going (by suppressing her immune system), Anna's husband Tim Arrowsmith last month finally posted about their experiences and they both shared his post on <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/annaarrowsmith">Twitter</a>. <br /><br />As Anna commented in her tweet sharing Tim's post, the topic of infertility is still a bit taboo. For that reason, the couple sharing their experiences with it is all the more significant. As Tim writes, his hope is that "some of this may resonate with some of you who have had similar experiences and might promote a bit more open discussion of a taboo subject, even amongst friends."<br /><a name='more'></a><br />It's a powerful post, worth a read in its entirety. While heart-wrenching and moving, I in fact also find it quite beautiful: empowering and inspiring as a testimony to their unswerving hope and the strength of their relationship.<br /><br /><b>"We are all the product of varying degrees of effort to bring about our existence."</b><br />By Tim Arrowsmith (published at <a href="http://rollinglow.wordpress.com/2011/10/07/we-are-all-the-product-of-varying-degrees-of-effort-to-to-bring-about-our-existence/">rollinglow</a>)<br /><i><br />In our case we started hearing the word ‘infertility’ about 18 months into the process of what is known as ‘trying for a family’. Luckily our GP was, and continues to be, both sympathetic and ruthlessly efficient at referring us for treatment. If we lived 20 miles away in a different NHS trust, the process that took us a few months would have taken two years or more. Once initial appointments took place and waiting lists were negotiated, we started our first cycle of IVF. The various initial investigations carried out involved numerous scans of Anna, counts of my sperm, lots of form filling, identity checks and a number of blood tests, some to demonstrate we were clear of STIs. The latter was easy, we knew there wouldn’t be any surprises, having carried these tests out early in our relationship – part of us getting serious in our relationship was getting tested. What wasn’t so simple was our medical reviews. By the time we met Anna had already had several gynae operations: a fibroid removed, two ‘drillings’ of her ovaries to clear obstructions and an investigative laparoscopy. I had a reduced sperm count due to illness as a child and for some reason this issue doesn’t seem to interest IVF specialists. One has to wonder if there’s some hidden gender bias at play.<br /><br />From the outset we were typical candidates for ICSI, a process whereby the ovaries are artificially stimulated, the eggs surgically removed and injected with sperm obtained in a quiet room containing lots of adult magazines (or under sedation if medical problems preclude the DIY option). Forgive the pun but I’m an od hand at this. The regular provision of sperm samples for both counts and IVF itself is something the chaps have to get used to, and compared to the much more uncomfortable and invasive procedures that the women endure, it’s nothing of consequence. That’s easy to write – in practice it always feels odd…. Once the medical team work their magic, the fertilised eggs are allowed to develop in a carefully controlled environment and those that progress to a healthy cluster of cells are assessed at between two and five days, at which point they are placed in the woman’s womb.<br /><br />The extraction of the eggs is the culmination of several weeks of careful manipulation of a woman’s hormones, first to interrupt ovulation and then to stimulate it at an accelerated rate. During this process Anna’s ovaries swelled to the size of grapefruit as the egg follicles developed. A constant fear is that the ovaries will become overstimulated, a condition which has some rather unpleasant effects on the woman’s health and will usually bring the whole process to an abrupt halt. If that is avoided, extraction is done under sedation. It’s painful; I’ve been in the room twice whilst it was done and Anna unfortunately wasn’t quite asleep during the procedures. She squirmed with pain throughout and I found it unpleasant to watch. Luckily the sedative ensured she remembered nothing.<br /><br />Once the hurdle of successful fertilisation is overcome and the (hopefully) high number of eggs is converted into a much lower number of ‘blastocysts’, the wait begins to find out if the implanted cluster of cells have gone on to develop in the womb.This starts with the growth of foetus in an egg sac and eventually the detection of a heartbeat at six or seven weeks. Various blood tests along the way confirm a successful pregnancy, some clinics testing hormone levels every two days to check adequate progress is being made.<br /><br />The euphoria felt when the heartbeat is identified is huge. All the time, effort and money seems justifiable; the process has been a success. In a few months there will be a pram and clothes to buy, a room to decorate. All the usual excitement of a normal pregnancy suddenly arrives to put a highly medicated experience in its shadow. Even the daily progesterone intramuscular injections I had to give Anna with a 40mm needle, with the lumps and bumps they caused on her bum, were all part of keeping the good news coming.<br /><br />The moment when you are told the heartbeats have disappeared its horrible. The medical staff check and check again and on one occasion we were even sent to another clinic for a more detailed scan. Unfortunately we have been through this more than once. Four IVF cycles, four successfully detected heartbeats. In our four cycles we scored one, one, nil, two.<br /><br />None got further than the first: ten weeks. The loss of the first one hit us hard and we mourned it by scattering some rose petals in a forest near our home. Undeterred, we spent the next year trying twice more. Once in summer – one heartbeat until seven weeks – once over Christmas – no heartbeat.<br /><br />During that year Anna was also prescribed a drug called Zoladex. It is used to temporarily reduce the production of oestrogen, a strategy used to control a condition known as adenomyosis. The drug induces an artificial menopause for three months, with all the accompanying emotional highs and lows one might see in the real thing.<br /><br />Adenomyosis used to be known as endometriosis interna. Endometriosis is the growth of fibroids on the surface tissue of the uterus/womb. As the name suggests endometriosis interna is when the fibroid tissue penetrates and grows within the muscle of the womb. Oestrogen encourages this tissue to grow and during pregnancy the womb expands at an exponential rate. At 10 weeks, Anna’s womb was a size normally seen at 22 weeks. Zoladex can shrink the womb and reduce this effect. Surface fibroids can be easily removed surgically, adenomyosis cannot.<br /><br />The uterus is a fascinating part of the body. During a woman’s monthly cycle, it provides a safe environment for a foetus to potentially grow, providing it with nutrition via blood. Imagine a sponge, into which many large blood vessels feed blood, building up a rich lining on the walls of the uterus. During menstruation, muscle contractions (known as cramps) close off these blood vessels and the lining is expelled. Soon the process of replacing the lining begins, the blood vessels open up and the cycle repeats. Adenomyosis intervenes in this process, preventing these muscle contractions from achieving the temporary closure of the blood vessels. Blood continues to flow into the womb at elevated rates and pain levels climb exponentially. Anna has only been able to manage this problem with high doses of codeine and anti-inflammatory medication. She usually spends at least 48 hours in bed, immobilised, bleeding heavily. At times the bleeding is continuous lasting months.<br /><br />Any condition that affects blood flow into the womb will potentially affect the viability of a pregnancy. This is where things get a little more difficult – known causes of adenomyosis are thin on the ground and there is no known treatment. The womb tissue is gradually penetrated and replaced by the fibroids and can spread to surrounding areas like the colon. Of the many surgical procedures Anna has had, the most recent was the removal of two egg-sized areas of her womb, front and back, to reduce its size and improve her chance of a successful pregnancy. Sometimes the adenomyosis is located in specific areas and easier to remove; in Anna’s case it was shown on scans to be present throughout. Once a surgeon starts removing parts of the womb, you start to realise the options are getting fairly limited. More than once in this process the consultant said he’d be recommending a hysterectomy if we weren’t trying for children.<br /><br />Our most recent ICSI cycle was at a very expensive central London clinic colloquially known as ‘IVF Bootcamp’ to the many women who have enlisted their services, based on the intensive treatment and the highest live-birth success rate of any IVF clinic in the UK. By this time we had exhausted our two free NHS-funded cycles, had paid for one ourselves and had decided to go for one more a a last shot. We attended daily for almost a month; daily blood tests and scans became routine. Hang around the right cafes in Marylebone High Street and you’ll spot lots of women with cotton wool taped onto their arms, all doing the same thing. Hormones are being manipulated, immune system strength determined and various treatments provided to create the highest possible chance of a successful pregnancy.<br /><br />Immune treatment takes two forms: in the crudest terms, these are weak and cheap, and strong and expensive. The theory is that suppressing a woman’s immune system prevents a rejection of the foetus during the pregnancy. The strength of the immune system’s response is determined by expensive blood tests that are sent to Chicago for analysis (there’s a theme developing here, isn’t there?). We were twice recommended the cheaper option to reduce levels of ‘natural killer cells’ in the womb. The expensive option costs £2,000 and some women receive it monthly throughout a pregnancy.<br /><br />Our last appointment at this clinic was in September this year, when we were told the two heartbeats visible in previous scans had stopped. Anna remembers feeling subtley different a few days before; less hungry and needing to pee less – the two main symptoms she’d been experiencing for the preceding weeks. Fertility treatment tends to demand that the participants submit to a completely medicalised process – intuition seems to take second place behind endless test results and scans. These are necessary and valid, Anna just felt she knew the result before the Doctors.<br /><br />The conclusion to an unsucessful pregnancy takes two forms. The more squeamish can look away now. Without medical intervention the sacs and their contents pass out naturally, usually within two weeks. I wouldnt recommend this; it’s an unpleasant enough experience for a partner to observe, never mind the woman. Let’s just say that seing this once was enough for me. The clinical method is termed an Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception, or ERPC. A perfunctory acronym by necessity, it describes an event loaded with emotion. It’s carried out under general anaethestic in hospital with patients usually in and out on the day, at the most 24 hours. When Anna went in for her ERPC, she was nil-by-mouth for 20 hours while she waited for the on-call surgeon to come available. She threatened to discharge herself several times. Eventually she was seen, wheeled away and I began a nervous wait for her to come round after yet another general anaesthetic. She was kept in overnight after the procedure then sent home.<br /><br />At this stage we were in a fairly heightened emotional state. We’d experienced this stage before but until the last scan in this last IVF cycle we had been achieving perfect test results. We really thought this one was going to go the distance.<br /><br />Recovery from an ERPC takes some time and we returned home to start dealing with things. A few close friends and family were told (those who already knew what we were up to) and all were incredibly supportive. They deserve our eternal thanks – you know who you are and your kindness and support was overwhelming.<br /><br />We then learnt what kind of impact immunity treatment can have on the body. Over a period of a week Anna began to feel steadily worse, bleeding much more heavily than expected and showing signs of fever. After a rather terse phonecall on Saturday with a nurse who suggested we go to our GP on Monday, I drove her to the hospital and she was admitted. She was diagnosed with sepsis, given IV antibiotics and over three days was given 4 blood transfusions to treat her for very low haemoglobin levels. Anna’s donated blood in the past, I deliver it to hospitals. She got it all back that day!<br /><br />I’m very glad she was treated promptly and we didn’t wait until the Monday to see the GP. Medical staff monitored her closely, checking her temperature, pulse, oxygen levels and even urine quantity to monitor her response to the antibiotics and transfusions. We were given various updates, some with two Doctors in the room. When that happens you start to wonder how bad the news is going to be…<br /><br />She was in for three days, and phrases like “You had us worried for a while” started being used. This was followed by a quick reference to a scan that could have been put a little more delicately: “You shouldn’t be having babies with that womb”. Short and to the point. Anna was discharged with a bag full of strong antibiotics to take every few hours for the next week.<br /><br />This all happened about a month ago at the time of writing. Anna was very weak for quite a while. Sepsis has a 40% mortality rate and recovery times are long. 10 days after her discharge we cashed in some airmiles gained from using a credit card to pay for the IVF treatment and flew to Cyprus to stay with my family for a couple of weeks. We’d blown all our cash so it was done on the cheap, and most of this was written there.<br /><br />The sepsis put a lot of what had happened into perspective; wanting a baby is too high a price to pay for messing with Anna’s health. IVF is no longer an option – her womb won’t now support a pregnancy – but we have 3 frozen eggs that may be used for surrogacy if we decide to go in that direction. UK law prevents us from advertising for a surrogate and only reasonable expenses can be paid. Those that go abroad encounter a long list of potential risks and expense, sometimes resulting in border authorities preventing a child from returning to the UK with parents.<br /><br />Adoption is another possibility we might consider in time. We don’t yet know if Anna’s career will cause problems with this but time will tell. The legal and procedural hoops that prospective parents, local authorities and courts have to jump through mean that many children spend longer in temporary care than I believe is necessary. The Guardian has published articles on this and it was mentioned at the recent Conservative party conference as something the Coalition government hope to change.<br /><br />We’re having a bt of time out to restore some normality back into our lives. We’ve spent three years on this ‘project’ and now feel we owe ourselves a little fun. We have some places we would like to visit and some people we need to catch up with. I fear we may have neglected some friends and family since 2008 and occasionally some may have found us a little short-tempered or just a bit stressed. My hope is that this chronicle of our journey serves as both explanation and apology.<br /><br />I also hope you don’t find it too self-indulgent – I know friends have been through just as much as we have, in some cases much more, and not felt the need to tell all and sundry about it. My hope is that some of this may resonate with some of you who have had similar experiences and might promote a bit more open discussion of a taboo subject, even amongst friends.<br /><br />Anna has recovered well but the emotional legacy will probably stay with us for a while. The next challenge is a hysterectomy, which Anna wants to have as soon as possible. That’s pretty final, but she’s had enough of the pain, so out it comes!<br /><br />Both our parents have helped us through some tough times when they probably have enough going on in their own lives to worry about. To them, lots of you and especially my wonderful, resilient wife, thank you.<br /><br />x<br /><br />p.s. Now you know the real reason why we gave up drinking three years ago – Chin chin!!</i><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7rQZJXSqAig/TrK5Z-4lqYI/AAAAAAAABSc/isHRWww0ssE/s1600/x2_901381d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7rQZJXSqAig/TrK5Z-4lqYI/AAAAAAAABSc/isHRWww0ssE/s320/x2_901381d.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://lockerz.com/s/151074845">Anna and Tim enjoying their first glass of wine in 3 1/2 years (Oct. 28, 2011) </a></td></tr></tbody></table><br />In a welcome move, the women's magazine REDBOOK also confronts the taboos of infertility in this month's issue in an article titled "The invisible pain of infertility." Together with <a href="http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/">RESOLVE</a>, The National Infertility Association, REDBOOK has also launched "<a href="http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series">The Truth About Trying: Infertility Stories From Celebrities and Women Like You</a>," an online video campaign to fight the taboos and silencing of infertility, and promote an open conversation about infertility, which strikes one in eight women in the United States.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-8816598476626665192?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-81797221977954127712011-11-04T08:48:00.001-05:002011-11-07T10:36:00.290-06:00Busted! Gender Myths in the Bedroom & Beyond | Live Science {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gS7evqJyOMc/TrKmAONrxqI/AAAAAAAABSA/UhYUZcSPzyQ/s1600/couple-bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gS7evqJyOMc/TrKmAONrxqI/AAAAAAAABSA/UhYUZcSPzyQ/s200/couple-bed.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>The difference in men's and women's attitudes toward sex are often taken for granted. Men want sex, women want commitment; men look for attractive mates and women go after social status.<br /><br />But not all psychologists are on board with these gender-essentialist statements.<br /><br />In a new review, University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley and colleagues sift through psychology studies and find gender differences aren't always as black-and-white (or pink-and-blue) as they seem. Here are six gender differences that may not be innate after all.<br /><a href="http://www.livescience.com/16594-busted-gender-myths-bedroom.html">Read More at Live Science >></a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-8179722197795412771?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-41806867339701664022011-11-03T09:55:00.000-05:002011-11-03T09:55:20.704-05:00No Bikini {featured video}<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oe_RP1HarAo" width="560"></iframe><br /><br />A young girl aged seven defies gender roles with inspiring results when she decides not to wear a top during a summer swim camp. Directed by <a href="http://www.filmmovement.com/filmcatalog/castandcrew.asp?CastAndCrewID=918">Claudia Morgado Escanilla</a>.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-4180686733970166402?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-31217841359364070452011-11-03T09:21:00.001-05:002011-11-07T10:37:10.233-06:00Faking It | Smitten Kitten {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iAZ15ZpVMCQ/TrKi_ufjWHI/AAAAAAAABR4/9nxJX9Jt7t4/s1600/naomihotdish001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="119" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iAZ15ZpVMCQ/TrKi_ufjWHI/AAAAAAAABR4/9nxJX9Jt7t4/s200/naomihotdish001.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>A word to everyone, everywhere: let’s make a concentrated effort to make fake orgasms a thing of the past.<br /><br />Allow me to make an observation: women in general don’t seem to be completely sexually satisfied with their partners. That’s right, I said most women. Feminist women, adventurous women, dominant women, women who have casual sex, even women who know their partner is good in bed, and all of their counterparts. Orgasm fakery is an equal-opportunity phenomenon. If it makes you angry or uncomfortable to hear it, it should. Women are capable of having orgasms, and I think we can all pretty much agree that women SHOULD be having them.<br /><a href="http://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blog/10/sexandculture/faking-it-by-naomi-hedonia">Read More at Smitten Kitten >> </a><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-3121784135936407045?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-51651980282555657422011-10-24T15:49:00.001-05:002011-11-03T09:06:21.374-05:00When a Warped Fear of Pedophiles Turns to a Shaming of GirlsThe potential presence of pedophiles has been the recurring argument against my plea that <a href="/2011/07/proper-swimwear-for-toddler-girl.html">we do not shame young girls into thinking they need to cover up but boys don't</a>. But consider this: 90% of the time the child knows her/his abuser. Do the men (and women) who argue that little girls need to cover up--"because <a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2011/09/when-all-men-are-potential-pedophiles.html">pedophiles don't go around wearing a sign</a>"--worry about how they themselves might react to topless little girls? And if so, how do we respond to the argument that what kids wear (or don't wear) in their own families' backyards is one thing, as opposed to what they "ought" to wear at a public pool?<br /><blockquote>Despite the stereotypes of a stranger in a trench coat hanging around the playground, the sex offender is most likely someone the child knows and trusts. Sexual abusers are fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, neighbors, babysitters, coaches, and spiritual leaders.</blockquote><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Luiu0X1mVtE/TqW_IaS6pjI/AAAAAAAABNs/ZmSde_ffXec/s1600/PRODUCT_child-sexual-abuse-brochure.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Luiu0X1mVtE/TqW_IaS6pjI/AAAAAAAABNs/ZmSde_ffXec/s1600/PRODUCT_child-sexual-abuse-brochure.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.pcar.org/store/child-sexual-abuse-brochure-pk-50">PCAR</a></td></tr></tbody></table>I quote the above from a brochure I picked up at the local fire station on "Child Sexual Abuse" (published by The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (<a href="http://www.pcar.org/about-pcar">PCAR</a>). The brochure also states that the best way to protect a child is by education:<br /><a name='more'></a><blockquote>Education is the best defense against child sexual assault. An educated child has the ability to recognize dangerous/uncomfortable situations and will be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred.<br /><br />In order to protect children, teach them:<br /><ul><li>to <i>feel good about themselves </i><span style="background-color: yellow;">[and not ashamed!]</span></li><li><i>the difference between safe and unsafe touches </i><span style="background-color: yellow;">[meaning we also have to teach children about pleasure and that they have the right to say yes to that which feels safe and good to them, but not to that which does not feel safe and good]</span></li><li><i>that their bodies belong to them and no one has a right to hurt them</i></li><li><i>that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers</i></li><li><i>that the can say "no" to requests that make them feel uncomfortable</i></li><li><i>to report to you if any adult asks them to keep a secret</i></li><li><i>that they can rely on you to believe and protect them</i></li><li><i>that they are not to blame for sexual abuse </i><span style="background-color: yellow;">[i.e. don't place the burden and blame on the child]</span></li></ul></blockquote>1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before age 18, states the brochure. If so, this can change. If we as parents and educators ensure positive and comprehensive sex education, we can make a difference.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-5165198028255565742?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-39138763115708376522011-10-17T12:50:00.003-05:002011-12-20T09:27:53.494-06:00Hotel: A Sexy, Soulful Short from Feminist Sex Shop Smitten Kitten {featured video}The Uptown-situated woman-run sex shop <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/07/how-about-we-get-progressive-sex-shop.html">Smitten Kitten</a> in Minneapolis has released this promotional short film, which highlights the slick and sexy feel of shopping at a progressive sex shop like theirs: <br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" mozallowfullscreen="" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/33930801?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="400"></iframe><br /><a href="http://vimeo.com/33930801">Hotel: A Smitten Kitten Short</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user9706871">Smitten Kitten</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br /><br />Writes high-profiled sex-positive pundit <a href="http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2011/10/video-hotel-a-sexy-soulful-short-from-smitten-kitten.html">Violet Blue</a> about this "sexy, soulful short:"<br /><br /><a name='more'></a><blockquote>New video <a href="http://vimeo.com/33930801">Hotel: A Smitten Kitten Short</a> is now in my top ten for sexy, indie short erotic films – it’s a really seductive little moment in time that arouses and teases and pulls it all off without any nudity (though it boasts lots of curves and a dash of kink). I don’t think I’ve ever seen a video quite this tasty made by a sex toy retailer, so kudos to fabulous <a href="https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/">Smitten Kitten</a> for making a steamy short we won’t soon forget. The song is <a href="http://soundcloud.com/sophiaeris">Rest Your Head Up by Sophia Eris</a>, and I just downloaded it to add to my slow sex playlists… </blockquote>Smitten Kitten has also recently released a new line of "<a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/10/smitten-kitten-educational-porn.html">educational porn</a>" available for free view streaming online.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/241470552116286331-3913876311570837652?l=lovesexfamily.com' alt='' /></div>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0